New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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