Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
