I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
