Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
