im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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