anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Someone came in the potted fern
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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