I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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