I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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