I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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