MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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