yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's official drugs can't kill me
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
