the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
be right there i have to get my cape
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
