Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
