do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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