hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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