I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
