Screwed.edu
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
