You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize