Christians are straight up FREAKS
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
