you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
