This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
pray to the hookup gods
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
