why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
