and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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