I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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