Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
