I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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