Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
