Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
