brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
