Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Don't make out with my wife yet
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So gin and wine won't be happening again
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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