I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
