I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am naked and annoyed.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
