Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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