Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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