direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
