I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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