EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
