The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
