i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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