I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
