I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
