I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
