so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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