I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
