I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
