so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
it's like iHOP with fire
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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