your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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