They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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