This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
