remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
