I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
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