Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
