Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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