I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
