you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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