So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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